Zigzagging in between traffic this morning, in my 100 meter dash from the subway entrance, to the familiar door on 40th and Broadway, it finally hit me after a full 48 hours fresh on the island… I was officially back. Brown, bronzed, refreshed and unstressed, but back all the same. NO matter how long I’m away, no matter how exotic the destination, I always get excited to see that skyline when I first re-enter the city, and plop down on my cushy bed, with my man, and Fred the cat. Sometimes a departure from the island makes you appreciate it all that much more when you return.
But this time was different. The trip hadn’t been exactly life changing. I hadn’t had a self-realization, or a metamorphosis, but I had found something I was looking for before I left. Peace. And I let go of something that was weighing me down; stress.
I felt none. I chilled, I laughed with my friend, tanned, slept, danced, explored, met exciting new people, and also found someone old who had been missing ; ME. The me that doesn’t have any problems (although I’m not sure SHE ever really existed), the me who knows how to have a good time and not take everything so seriously, and the me that can reflect on the past with a confident smile.
When I was in Istanbul, I took in all the culture, remembering how my mom told me all about the Blue Mosque, and when I was in Mykonos,partying it up at the gay club Jackie –O with all our new Italian friends from dinner, I felt like my mom was in that club with me; a young tanned thing of 25 living it up without a care in the world, and smiling the whole way through. I channeled her all throughout Greece, even when we left Mykonos for Santorini, and the vibe turned from partying, to chilling. A cool, hippie, free mentality that matched the endless boutiques of evil eyes, dream catchers and incense,(mixed of course with olive oil, cheesy postcards, and trademark alcohol and silly souvenirs.)
I was a free spirit; the one I always yearn to be, and with my real life partner in crime, we lived up every moment, although probably not as crazily as I used to. After all I am 30 now, and one can’t travel internationally like they used to, although the alter ego still tends to make a cameo appearance.
But returning home this time was different. I didn’t have the same yearning for that comfort I always know so well. I missed my loved ones, but that which was familiar, which usually I would run to, made me want to run the other way- Re escape back into a world where no one knows me, I can be anyone and anything I want, and I can live freely with out the weight of the world on my shoulders.
But no matter how much I want to live in that state of bliss, my brain cannot pilot on permanent vacation alone.
The problem with reality is that is it always there waiting for you to come home, back to what you know. So here I am, back where I belong.. Trying to find a balance between a state of bliss, and the state of new York. Somewhere between a tropical island and the island of Manhattan….